Saturday, May 21, 2005

One more chapter in my life closes...

I'm sitting here wondering what I'm gonna do when I get home. I'm at an ex-employers house watching their 2 young children. I nannied for these children for 3 1/2 years. I love these kids like they're my own. I had them for 50 hours a week, 51 weeks a year. They are absolutely adorable and I love spending time with them. Tonight is the last time I'll see them for probably a year or more. They're moving to California in about a week. I live in Michigan. I'm gonna miss them but I understand that their parents have to move because of job opportunitites. I spent the whole day with them today. We went to the park, the beach, to lunch, got ice cream, went to my house, and then back to their house where I gave them a bath, made them dinner, watched The Grinch with them, and put them to bed. Currently they are jumping on their bed even though they're supposed to be 'sleeping.' Anywho, it's kind of sad that i won't see them for quite a long time, but i knew it was going to happen eventually.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Found this today...

I wrote this back in March of 2002. I found it yesterday while I was going through some papers and it basically sums up what my life was like with my mother from the time I was 8 until I was 13. I will warn you, some people may be shocked by it. So, here goes...

The fear of pain. You're shaking from the fear of being hurt. You are stripped down to your underwear, your feet are cold from standing on the linoleum floor. Your mind is seconds away from shutting down, you can't focus on what's going on. You want to understand because if you understand then maybe you can fix the problem. By making things better you will no longer be the victim. You will have what you've wanted for years; you won't be afraid anymore. You start to think of how to fix the problem, you can't think for long though because 'she' starts coming at you. 'She' is armed with a weapon this time. A weapon means more pain. You start crying, you're afraid of pain. The weapon that 'she' possesses is a 12-inch wooden ruler. 'She' commands you to hold our your hands, palms down. You obey because you're scared. She hits the back of your hands with the ruler, you cry harder and 'she' tells you to "stop crying like a baby!" 'She' hits you with the ruler again, in the same place as last time. You curl your fingers into your palms because it hurts so bad. 'She' starts screaming in your face-"Keep your fingers out! If you don't, I'll make it even worse." She smiles her evil grin that makes you wish you could drop dead right then and there. You uncurl your fists and allow the woman known as 'she' to beat your hands as much as she pleases. It hurts enough to make you want to scream. But you don't scream, no, instead you just cry and plead with 'her' to stop inflicting pain on you. You don't understand, your mother is hurting you. You're confused, this woman is supposed to protect you, but instead she is beating her own flesh and blood to the point of making your hands raw and bleeding. Eventually you just close your eyes and let the blows come. You can't stop them so you allow them to come. There is no more hope.

That incident happened when I was 8. It is one of my most vivid childhood memories and I still think about it to this day. The woman in the event is my mother. She was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to myself and one of my sisters from the time I was 8 until I was 13. Though she is no longer physically abusive, the verbal and emotional abuse continues.

Sorry for the downer today guys, but I felt it was necessary to post.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Moving, Graduation, and being MIA...

Hey ya'll. Sorry I've been MIA for the past week or so. I graduated last Saturday with my associates degree in Early Childhood Education. After graduation I dragged all of my stuff home to Marquette, reorganized, repacked, cleaned my car, and then moved to Petoskey. Currently I'm looking for a job and I have my first interview on Monday. We'll see how it goes. Now that I'm settled in Petoskey, I should have more time for updates. See ya.